It’s not even a little bit surprising that you’re grappling with the contradictions between your genuinely felt feminist values and your deep desire to be “every man’s dream girl.” In a culture that grants girls and women validation and power based first and foremost on their sexual appeal to men, it’s almost impossible not to want that. I could’ve written this same letter when I was 24. You aren’t worried because you feel thrilled when a man finds you attractive you’re worried because it makes you feel validated and you know such validation is false, fleeting and, as you note, tied to the “male gaze” that’s everywhere in our culture. But my sense of your conundrum is that it’s more complicated than that. It’s a fairly common longing among people who are in monogamous relationships, even happy ones. But the real question is who you are beyond your relationships to men.Ĭheryl Strayed: There isn’t anything wrong with wanting to feel desired by people who are not your partner, Attention. I’m glad you’ve found a man who loves and accepts you.
But the role it plays in your life is to keep you from identifying and pursuing forms of validation that derive from your intellectual, professional and creative achievements. How did the men and women in your family define success? What messages did you receive from friends? And what is it about that high that you can’t stop chasing? It’s a real feeling. It’s even more important to become conscious of the ways you’ve internalized them. It will certainly help to steer clear of entertainment that traffics in these toxic messages.
This messaging comes in the form of accessorized dolls, sappy rom-coms that equate marriage and fulfillment, and the rhetoric of our president, a self-proclaimed sexual predator who chants “Lock her up!” at rallies.
Rather than berating yourself, though, please recognize the enormity of what you’re up against as a young woman in America: a culture steeped in misogyny, devoted to brainwashing women and criminalizing female ambition. This is the mind-set that a patriarchal society enforces, one designed to keep women from defining success in ways unrelated to male adoration. Steve Almond: I’m struck by the word you use to describe how you felt when boys were crushing on you: successful. Is this something all people in relationships contend with? Will I grow out of it? Is there something missing from my relationship? How do I block out societal expectations of women and continue to grow into a more genuine person who gains validation and happiness from within? It makes me feel like a bad girlfriend, like I’m still chasing that high I get from a crush. Yet I’m still haunted by the shallow desire to be adored by other men. In college, I shed some of these unhealthy needs and fell in love with someone who accepts the real me - both my beauty and my flaws. As a feminist, it pains me to admit that I got so much validation from male attention. Pathetic, right? I felt happy and successful when I had at least one or two guys crushing on me. I secretly wanted to be every man’s dream girl. As an adolescent, these expectations ran through my head constantly. Men thought the ideal woman was beautiful but not vain sexy but not slutty game for pizza and beer but skinny willing to comply with her partner’s sexual desires but not seek her own with other men. This desire started when I began to feel the pressures of the “male gaze,” as it appeared in movies, TV, books - everywhere. Writes me love notes, takes me shopping and to broadway shows Talk to him like he is a girlfriend, slumber party every night I've never been so happy before, he's almost Mr.I’m a 24-year-old woman still solidifying her identity, especially when it comes to love and relationships. Got a man, call him my boyfriend, think I've fallen in love The only man that gives me the things that I am worthy of Hugs me and holds me, kisses me softly, calls me back right away He communicates his feelings to me and cares what I have to say He says Baby, I love you, baby, I need you Never gonna let you go